Conflicted AF
Hey, guys!
Posted here a few days ago. Spoke about how I was an ex-Christian looking to get closer to Satan. Then did a disappearing act and repented when the overwhelming guilt and shame came over me again. I just don’t seem to know what signs to look for. Should I be returning to my faith, will I ever? Or does Satan have me now and I need to make peace with it and let go? Please msg me and tell me your thoughts. Would love to get some clarity and certainty.
227 Views
I see “Anonymous” that you posted and left, which is why you are now listed here as “Anonymous.” I am going to post anyway in case you, or someone like you, happens to see this response.
It sounds like you are struggling with conditioning that was probably instilled very deeply. Stepping into a new way of thinking, being, and doing is going to include uncertainty, fear, and resistance from that earlier religious conditioning. That is a difficult threshold for anyone to cross.
Elton John once said that in order to become “Elton John the Superstar,” he had to kill off Reginald Kenneth Dwight, his birth name and his old life.
Stepping into connection with Satan, and/or becoming any kind of Satanist in any tradition or perspective, is very much like that. There is usually a letting go of the old self and a re-orienting that has to happen. This is why the beginning of the Black Mass includes a rite of renunciation, and why many Satanists return to the Black Mass periodically as a way of severing old chains and renewing the path.
Coming back to you: it sounds like you have a lot of “shoulds” in your thinking, and that you are beating yourself up with them. It also sounds like you are looking for certainty outside of yourself. You may want someone, or even Satan Himself, to give you a clear, direct answer.
But the Left Hand Path is not about being handed certainty. It is about learning to stand in your own authority.
Satan may call, provoke, awaken, and illuminate, but Satan does not simply replace one master with another. Those who choose the Path of the Adversary, Rebellion, and Power must, at some level, also become Satan—not literally, but inwardly: by becoming sovereign, self-possessed, and willing to stand at the threshold without begging the old gods for permission. Only then can Satan be rightly known as both Master and Guide: not as the one who owns you, but as the one who teaches you how to belong fully to yourself.
No one can tell you whether to return to Christianity or continue toward Satan. That answer has to come from the part of you that is deeper than fear, guilt, shame, and panic.
Relax from your fear and then ask yourself: when I am not obeying fear, what do I actually know to be true?