I believe my experience and I also question the reality of it as well. I'm new to Satansim and could really use guidance from guys who have had more spiritual experiences. This isn't about lust or perversion or accepting those parts of myself, I know who I am and what I'm into, but there is something more to all of this and I need help.

I've never been a good Christian boy even though I grew up in a pretty conservative household. I had always been interested in the occult. I think I was about 8 when I tried to cast my first spell. I started off learning about Egyptology and Greco-Roman paganism. I've been around the new age hippie neo-paganism and wicca(not my scene at all). But underneath all of that has been a sexual fantasy.

I didn't know it was sexual at first. Since I was very young I had always been fascinated by scenes in TV shows, books and movies where somebody became possessed or infected with an alien slug(think The Faculty, or Animorphs). I loved watching the black clouds or goo fly into the mouth and eyes of the victim as the demon took them. Once I sexually matured I very quickly began to masurbate to these fantasies.

Last winter I finally decided to try something. At this point in my life I had a great deal of experience with ritual magic, spell craft and occultism, but had never invoked demons or worked with any truly satanic forces before. I had taken some stimulants and a small amount of psychedelics when I decided to give in to my fantasies and see if I could make something happen.

I won't go into the details here but I will say I believe a demon was literally fucked into me. It was one of the most intense experiences I have ever had and now I am firmly on the left hand path. I want to find other brothers who have been through something similar, brothers who truly believe. I'm not looking for a sexual fantasy. I'm looking for real believers, people I can talk to, learn from, share with and help me. I'm not looking to be a slave or servant. I don't need a master, I need brothers. If anybody out there can help me, I'm asking.